An Ode to Yanela
My sister is a beautiful person. I mean this entirely in the superficial, surface level way which I know is exactly how she would want it. Seriously, she has the skin of an 18 year old, the bone structure of Marie Antoinette (that was a reach) and the maturity level of a 12 year old. She is the life of the party, extremely intelligent, and says things like "and then he called me on the phone!! And you know I'm crazy on the phone." Context is unnecessary here because another great thing about my sister is that she's awful at explaining herself. Seriously. I pray to the good Lord above she is never robbed or the witness to a crime because her testimony will be something along the lines of: "You know! It was a guy! Could be anyone. White, kind of. Tall but not crazy. And you know I'm crazy on the phone!" What could crazy on the phone mean? Loud? Aggressive? I myself do not know entirely but I know that my sister is crazy on the phone.
Currently she is dating a very sweet, strange man named Joe who I can only describe as Link from Zelda if Link fell out of the screen and is now part of the real world and somehow has to make his life work. I wish I were kidding. My house is currently littered with arrows and foam targets because this fucker bought a crossbow on Amazon a couple weeks ago. My life is like a goddamn Super Smash Brothers game with this guy in the picture. He is also very hot. Hi Joe. If you're reading this, you are hot, and clean up your damn arrows.
Anyways, she is the mother to a VERY angsty 11 year old boy named Niamh. She is doing an excellent job raising him and he really takes to Joe too. I'm not surprised because if I were 11 and actually straight and Link came to life before my eyes I'm sure I'd lose my shit too. Yanela truly is a wonderful mother, I've heard her describe in detail what she would do the person who ever hurt Niamh (good mothers are really really violent right?) and don't you worry, this punishment does not discriminate-- other fellow 11 year olds will reap the consequences "once they turn 18." However, every now and then, the teenage girl who grew up in Queens gets the best of her. Here's how Niamh found out Santa wasn't real:
We were trying to watch a movie, I think, but Niamh was protesting because he was playing a game on the Wii U, probably the Legend of Joe: Destroying Jose's Backyard with Arrows. After some back and forth here's what finally went down.
Yanela: "Niamh, get off!"
Niamh: "But it's MY Wii U"
Yanela: "Excuse me?! I bought it. Everything you own is mine, especially that Wii U"
Niamh (completely seriously): "But I thought Santa got me it"
Yanela (even more serious): "Okay yeah guess what? Santa? Is ME"
And that's when Santa was foiled.
This is reminiscent of when my sister got my brother and I a GameCube for Christmas over 10 years ago and we couldn't read what the "From" card said, only to have my sister, who hadn't even seen the card yet, scream "IT SAYS ITS FROM SANTA YOU JACKASSES!!!"
It was then that we learned Santa is always Yanela.
Currently she is dating a very sweet, strange man named Joe who I can only describe as Link from Zelda if Link fell out of the screen and is now part of the real world and somehow has to make his life work. I wish I were kidding. My house is currently littered with arrows and foam targets because this fucker bought a crossbow on Amazon a couple weeks ago. My life is like a goddamn Super Smash Brothers game with this guy in the picture. He is also very hot. Hi Joe. If you're reading this, you are hot, and clean up your damn arrows.
Anyways, she is the mother to a VERY angsty 11 year old boy named Niamh. She is doing an excellent job raising him and he really takes to Joe too. I'm not surprised because if I were 11 and actually straight and Link came to life before my eyes I'm sure I'd lose my shit too. Yanela truly is a wonderful mother, I've heard her describe in detail what she would do the person who ever hurt Niamh (good mothers are really really violent right?) and don't you worry, this punishment does not discriminate-- other fellow 11 year olds will reap the consequences "once they turn 18." However, every now and then, the teenage girl who grew up in Queens gets the best of her. Here's how Niamh found out Santa wasn't real:
We were trying to watch a movie, I think, but Niamh was protesting because he was playing a game on the Wii U, probably the Legend of Joe: Destroying Jose's Backyard with Arrows. After some back and forth here's what finally went down.
Yanela: "Niamh, get off!"
Niamh: "But it's MY Wii U"
Yanela: "Excuse me?! I bought it. Everything you own is mine, especially that Wii U"
Niamh (completely seriously): "But I thought Santa got me it"
Yanela (even more serious): "Okay yeah guess what? Santa? Is ME"
And that's when Santa was foiled.
This is reminiscent of when my sister got my brother and I a GameCube for Christmas over 10 years ago and we couldn't read what the "From" card said, only to have my sister, who hadn't even seen the card yet, scream "IT SAYS ITS FROM SANTA YOU JACKASSES!!!"
It was then that we learned Santa is always Yanela.
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