God Is My Unchill Boyfriend
I had the privilege of growing up Hispanic and Catholic which came with a whole lot of perks, like Advanced Guilt, Intermediate Kissing Strangers on the Cheek, and Avoiding Eye Contact with The Pastor When He Asks for Volunteers for This Weekend's Youth Group Trip. My relationship with God is a funny one, almost like my relationship with my dad in that sometimes I wonder if he’s even there. It’s especially reminiscent of my relationship with my father because there are people out there who are like “My dads the best! He changed my life, I don’t know where I’d be without my papa!” And other people are like, “My dads a hoax, he’s never been there for me, dads are fake news.” And I’m like retweet!!! But to both.
However, as I get older and wiser(??) I am starting to realize some patterns and how the big man upstairs might be influencing them. I am realizing that God is my Unchill Boyfriend.
First, allow me to describe the Unchill Boyfriend. The Unchill Boyfriend is who starts to creep out, for most of us, around week 4 or 5 of a new relationship. Unchill Boyfriend is the exact opposite of Chill Boyfriend. Chill Boyfriend will have an impromptu sleepover at your house because he’s drunk on red wine and doesn’t give a fuck about dental hygiene but Unchill Boyfriend brought toothpaste and contact solution to movie night. Unchill Boyfriend knows all about what can happen to your corneas if you sleep with your contacts in and it’s just not worth the risk anymore. Falling asleep after sex without getting ready for bed is cute but...sight is cuter.
Unchill Boyfriend thinks things like “why haven’t you responded to my text you were active on Instagram 4 minutes ago haha lol.”
Unchill Boyfriend has looked up your ex on social media. Unchill Boyfriend 2.0 may have even sent screen captures of said ex to their friend with the text “I’m way cuter right?”
“No contest.” replies Unchill Boyfriend’s Friend, who is well versed in the art of appeasing Unchill Boyfriend.
Unchill Boyfriend doesn’t look a white man directly in the eyes and tell them “oh I LOVE folk music” in the hopes of Being Liked and maybe Intercourse. That was Chill Boyfriend.
Unchill Boyfriend used to be called Unchill Girlfriend until a good friend told me to miss her with that misogyny bullshit and she was totally right. I don’t know Unchill Girlfriend because I am gayer than a Boomerang of a bunch of bottoms toasting their piña coladas at Fire Island.
Anyway, I think God is my Unchill Boyfriend.
Exhibit A: Sometime in Elementary School, pre-bowl cut, I skipped Sunday school cause my sister peer pressured me into doing it, plus I was really feeling the park that day. After coming home from our morning of debauchery it became increasingly clear that my grandmother knew we had skipped Sunday school, despite it being optional and thus attendance wasn’t taken. She cornered us in the kitchen. “What did you learn about?”
“We can’t tell you abuela. Otherwise it won’t come true.”
Nice. Hit her with that 11:11 logic.
I personally think it was God who revealed to my grandmother we weren’t there. Much like a middle schooler at her quinceñera (or sweet sixteen for all my White Readers™ out there) God was excited for his bae to be there. When I didn't show up, in a fit of envy and frustration he sent my grandmother a perfectly innocent query, probably something along the lines “hey are you with José? He said he’d be here today and he isn’t yet :X rotfl anyways text me if you see him”
Unchill Boyfriend strikes again.
Exhibit B: I was hooking up with my first ever boy in High School, post-bowl cut, and things were getting steamy. We were making out in his mother’s bed listening to Regina Spektor because Romance, and I got a phone call from none other than my greAT GRANDMOTHER.
UMMMMM??? Who gave that bitch a phone and taught her how to use it? I’ll tell you who. The Holy Spirit.
I was extremely shaken up by it and went to the bathroom for a nice in-the-mirror cry before rejoining him and making out again because mama didn’t raise no quitters.
I’d also like to point out that this boy is now very famous, like blue-checkmark-verified, Wikipedia-page-famous and I’m doing West Side Story at a summer camp. That’s how far God wanted to take my first love away from me.
Unchill Boyfriend strikes again.
There are several other exhibits that I won’t bore you with, but with each passing day I grow more wary of the Lord and his Unchill Boyfriend tendencies. Every time I say I never throw up from drinking what do you think happens? I throw up from drinking!! What else could make that happen besides a supernatural force with possessive qualities and I Told You So syndrome??
If God wants to be a man in my life who I devote all my attention to, who I never compare to others, who I will risk everything for and return to again and again, I only have one thing to say to those requests: take a fucking number.
However, as I get older and wiser(??) I am starting to realize some patterns and how the big man upstairs might be influencing them. I am realizing that God is my Unchill Boyfriend.
First, allow me to describe the Unchill Boyfriend. The Unchill Boyfriend is who starts to creep out, for most of us, around week 4 or 5 of a new relationship. Unchill Boyfriend is the exact opposite of Chill Boyfriend. Chill Boyfriend will have an impromptu sleepover at your house because he’s drunk on red wine and doesn’t give a fuck about dental hygiene but Unchill Boyfriend brought toothpaste and contact solution to movie night. Unchill Boyfriend knows all about what can happen to your corneas if you sleep with your contacts in and it’s just not worth the risk anymore. Falling asleep after sex without getting ready for bed is cute but...sight is cuter.
Unchill Boyfriend thinks things like “why haven’t you responded to my text you were active on Instagram 4 minutes ago haha lol.”
Unchill Boyfriend has looked up your ex on social media. Unchill Boyfriend 2.0 may have even sent screen captures of said ex to their friend with the text “I’m way cuter right?”
“No contest.” replies Unchill Boyfriend’s Friend, who is well versed in the art of appeasing Unchill Boyfriend.
Unchill Boyfriend doesn’t look a white man directly in the eyes and tell them “oh I LOVE folk music” in the hopes of Being Liked and maybe Intercourse. That was Chill Boyfriend.
Unchill Boyfriend used to be called Unchill Girlfriend until a good friend told me to miss her with that misogyny bullshit and she was totally right. I don’t know Unchill Girlfriend because I am gayer than a Boomerang of a bunch of bottoms toasting their piña coladas at Fire Island.
Anyway, I think God is my Unchill Boyfriend.
Exhibit A: Sometime in Elementary School, pre-bowl cut, I skipped Sunday school cause my sister peer pressured me into doing it, plus I was really feeling the park that day. After coming home from our morning of debauchery it became increasingly clear that my grandmother knew we had skipped Sunday school, despite it being optional and thus attendance wasn’t taken. She cornered us in the kitchen. “What did you learn about?”
“We can’t tell you abuela. Otherwise it won’t come true.”
Nice. Hit her with that 11:11 logic.
I personally think it was God who revealed to my grandmother we weren’t there. Much like a middle schooler at her quinceñera (or sweet sixteen for all my White Readers™ out there) God was excited for his bae to be there. When I didn't show up, in a fit of envy and frustration he sent my grandmother a perfectly innocent query, probably something along the lines “hey are you with José? He said he’d be here today and he isn’t yet :X rotfl anyways text me if you see him”
Unchill Boyfriend strikes again.
Exhibit B: I was hooking up with my first ever boy in High School, post-bowl cut, and things were getting steamy. We were making out in his mother’s bed listening to Regina Spektor because Romance, and I got a phone call from none other than my greAT GRANDMOTHER.
UMMMMM??? Who gave that bitch a phone and taught her how to use it? I’ll tell you who. The Holy Spirit.
I was extremely shaken up by it and went to the bathroom for a nice in-the-mirror cry before rejoining him and making out again because mama didn’t raise no quitters.
I’d also like to point out that this boy is now very famous, like blue-checkmark-verified, Wikipedia-page-famous and I’m doing West Side Story at a summer camp. That’s how far God wanted to take my first love away from me.
Unchill Boyfriend strikes again.
There are several other exhibits that I won’t bore you with, but with each passing day I grow more wary of the Lord and his Unchill Boyfriend tendencies. Every time I say I never throw up from drinking what do you think happens? I throw up from drinking!! What else could make that happen besides a supernatural force with possessive qualities and I Told You So syndrome??
If God wants to be a man in my life who I devote all my attention to, who I never compare to others, who I will risk everything for and return to again and again, I only have one thing to say to those requests: take a fucking number.
Truly incredible I laughed so hard. I’m alone. Ily
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