Having Fun Isn't Hard When You've Got a Drinking Problem

My mother always says “Jose, you can drink, but don’t drink to get drunk,” to which I always say “that’s a great idea Patricia, why don’t I just shower not to get clean and exercise not to get fitter while I’m at it.” I’m here to escape reality, woman. I don’t order tiny cups of $6 carcinogenic waste while wearing a child’s crop top because I’m trying to unwind or enjoy the taste, I’m drinking to get drunk.

Alcohol is great because I have done such amazing things while imbibing it. Once I sent my agent an email that was just the letter H.  And they say networking is hard! Everyone I’ve slept with while black out drunk? Huge success. Can’t get enough of those guys. I got a really awesome “Year in Review” email from Uber and it had a sticker that called me a “Night Owl” because most of my rides happened between 10pm and 4am. I thought Night Owl was such a fun way to spell depressed.

Here it is:

I also have a stellar collection of screen captures from drunk texts I’ve sent. I think my personal favorite is of this Lyft I tried to cancel.

What could I have been drinking that night? You guessed it! Champagne. I find it really endearing that Drunk Jose was stressed by the arrival of his car, and instead humbly requested that it be turned into champagne, something he could understand. Even now, when I have an audition to prepare for, or have to email HR of the company I work for asking if they could renew my company MetroCard a couple weeks early because I lost it at a club, I can’t help but think “I want to champagne this.”

And finally, there’s this exchange between a friend whose house I left my coat at. This one works great as an acting text, and can be used to really help someone understand tactics.

“I left my coat octagon.”
Love it. Just the facts. In my defense, Octagon was the name of the house he lived in, so that isn’t just unintelligible babble, but a destination. This text answers the where and the what. The brevity could easily be interpreted as threatening, which is a bold choice for a first text, but I went there. I don’t have time for prepositions pal, just give me what I want. I continue:

“Brown. Tommy filer.”
I’m starting to get heated here. No response, eh? No matter. Perhaps you just need some more info. The coat is brown, obviously. The brand? Why none other than Tommy filer. Get to searching. These fragments should be more than enough info.

“filgoger. Doesn’t throw it out.”
Totally.

“My coat.”
Exactly. Thought I lost you there, but we’re back in action. That last text? A TEST. Thought you could get away, could ya? Well I’m back and here to tell you what’s what. My. Coat.

“That was such drunk nonsense. My drunk brown Tommy Hilfiger coat is at the octagon. Please don’t throw it out. I need it.”

Finally, I surrender. Okay buddy, I’ve tried everything. Threats. Distractions. Redirecting. You want the truth? I’m drunk okay? You know what else is drunk? My coat. You know where that coat is from? Tommy Hilfiger. Not Tommy filer. I lied. And you know what I need for you to do with that coat? Please don't throw it out. You can wear it. You can embroider it. But for the love of god do not throw it in the trash, because I know that's what you were planning to do. Why anyone would throw away a winter coat upon finding it abandoned at their house after a party is beyond me, but just in case here’s my reasoning: I need it. Can't argue with that.

Sigh.

Alcohol is a tricky beast. You start off so innocently, drinking vodka out of plastic water bottles with your friends at the Marriott in Times Square (just us? being a city teen is weird) and then you're dressed up as a slutty cowboy banging on the bathroom door of a diner because you left your hat in there and you want to take an Instagram. Alcohol has cost me hundreds of dollars, has arguably destroyed some of my relationships, and is the sole reason why I have acid reflux. I find it so silly when doctors recommend I cut out liquor, "just to see if it gets better." Of course it'll get better, that's like recommending to someone that they climb Everest "just to see if you feel accomplished." The end is obvious, but not with those means! And yes I did just compare cutting out drinking to climbing Everest!! Just give me the Prilosec you quack.

Nonetheless, just like my drunk brown Tommy filer coat, I only have one reason why I keep drinking: I need it.